Emotional Intelligence. Step 2 – Distinguish Between Thoughts and Feelings

To continue with the Emotional Intelligence theme, we go back to Emotional Literacy, this time distinguishing between our thoughts and our feelings.

Let’s ask ourselves: What is and what is not emotional literacy?

Emotional Literacy is demonstrated by phrases like:

I feel…

• criticised
• unimportant
• disrespected
• bored

These express our feelings. The better our vocabulary and internal awareness, the better our communication about our state.
The following phrases, however, are us expressing our thoughts.

• I feel like ….
• I feel that…
• I feel like you ….

The last one is a “you message” in disguise. From our first post, we indicated the difference between “I feel hurt” vs. “You are an obnoxious twit”.

I Messages vs You Messages

When we talk about our feelings using three word sentences we send what have been called “I messages”. When we say things like “You make me so jealous” we send a “you message”. These often put the other person on the defensive, thus hurting communication and relationships rather than helping. These messages can feel very much like placing blame, and can be used to avoid responsibility, or to “win” an argument without directing it towards a meaningful outcome for both parties if not handled carefully.

Remember then that when we say something like “I feel like you…” we are sending a “you message” disguised as an “I message”.

Tags: Behaviour, Communication, Emotional Intelligence, LinkedIn, Social Dynamics, Social Intelligence, Verbal Communication